Our society has become too individualistic.
No argument. We have many people with mental health issues stemming from
loneliness. More than a few elderly relatives have been abandoned,
visitor-less, in rest homes, because it’s just too much trouble. We often focus
on our own goals and ambitions more than working for the wellbeing of our
family or community.
The positive side of our individualistic
culture is that we value the individual. We encourage people to follow their
dreams, whether or not these follow social convention. We teach our children to
tolerate others, no matter their physical appearance, ethnicity or preferences.
We have support groups and clubs for people of all sexualities, odd sports and
hobbies (here’s looking at you Christchurch begonia society), niche
spiritualities and non-mainstream lifestyle choices (e.g. nudists). There is an
active Furries community in Christchurch
for goodness’ sake (look it up). We encourage people to put their wellbeing
first. And this is wonderful. We are all created unique, and I believe that
being able and allowed to discover our true selves is our right and our delight
in life.
Less so here. I can only imagine how long a
nudist club would last in Lusaka. (Hmm...social experiment?) The positive side
of this is that families stick together. There is always a meal or a bed at
your brother’s/sister’s/aunt’s house, no questions asked. Traditions are
maintained and people find great comfort, joy and identity in this. You are
visited in hospital by everyone. Siblings’ children are educated if the parents
can’t manage it. Friends help friends pay for their weddings.
The downside? People don’t get to be who
they really are in the way that we can. It must be nearly impossible to escape
the pre-determined roles of woman as home-maker and man as head of the family
who doesn't show weakness. Wearing different clothes, eating different food,
living your life in any way differently invites constant comment and demands
relentless explanation or defence. Some days I feel it would be easier just to
cook every meal myself rather than deal with another
concerned/disapproving/astonished look from someone when I say that my fiancé
cooked our supper last night.
I have many theories on why our cultures value
what they do. Essentially I guess, communalism brings security, individualism
freedom. We can afford freedom because we know that we will get paid this week.
Is it a luxury? Another thing that poverty deprives people of?
So which is best? As with all great
debates, there is wisdom and folly on both sides. I will fight tooth and nail
for my right to be myself, so will probably never really fit in here. One of
the hardest things about organising our wedding here has been resisting the
immense pressure to do things the ‘right’ way,[1]
and finding a balance of respecting and honouring tradition while also
expressing ourselves on what is, after all, one of the most important days of
our life (and not to mention the final destination of most of our savings). However,
I will also strive to know my neighbours, share, serve my community and (at
least occasionally...) put others’ needs ahead of my own.
[1] Please note: NOT from our close friends or Atkins’ family, who are
amazingly open-minded. It’s the people we know less well – acquaintances,
colleagues, the shop assistant....
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