Stuff they don’t tell you about travel to hot dry places

It’s about time we (particularly female travellers) stopped suffering in silence. Here is what Lonely Planet does not tell you about travelling to hot, dry places.

•  Chafing. If you are a lady and you wear a skirt and you are not in possession of thigh-gap thighs (who is!!! Who wants to be????) you will chafe. It’s super fun. Bike shorts (apparently they call them spandex now but I am a child of the 90s) are your best defence. If you forget your bike shorts and disaster strikes, pawpaw cream is blessed relief.
• Crazy boogers. The heat dries out your nose. The dust gets in your nose. The combination results in these desiccated monster super boogers. They are a phenomenon of nature and it is a marvellous feeling to extract one. I can breathe again!
• Sweat (from everywhere). Literally. Who knew boobs could sweat?
• Filthy feet. Turns out I have sweaty feet. And it’s dusty here. Dust settles on my foot sweat and turns into brown paste. It’s very pretty. There appears to be no cure, but treatment includes wet wipes and going to bathrooms and putting my foot into the basin (thanks yoga) and quickly washing it before anyone else comes in.

Of course none of this seems to apply to the beautiful Zambians.  They have pristine feet, and smell and look great ALL THE TIME!!! And as far as I know don’t have crazy dry boogers. Maybe I will ask around.

STOP PRESS!!!!!! Newsflash!

Recent conversations have brought to my attention that Zambian women don’t shave/wax their legs. Because their legs just aren’t really that hairy. And also because they have escaped to some degree this ridiculous cultural paradigm (thanks Gilette?) that women are disgusting if they have even slightly hairy legs.

Honestly, where did that come from? The wasted hours! The money that could have been spent on something more wonderful (and surely less toxic and painful and messy) than hair removal cream, or razors, or wax.

And anyway, where does all that hair GO? Is there a giant hairball floating around in the ocean somewhere? Has the CEO of Gilette turned it into his private island retreat? Much to think about.